I don't fucking know what I'm doing right now> i Should be memorizing Katakana for my Japanese quiz like crazy tmw because I don't know ANY katakana....don't even have every single Hiragana character memorized yet. I'm going to cry.
I'm so tired these days, ever since term 2 started at UBC. I barely get any sleep at night...5-6 hours at MAX. The only days I can rest a bit longer are Saturday and Sunday, and even then I have to be wary of my mother throwing a hissy fit if she finds me in bed late.
I feel so drained, like there's nothing left to look forward to. My thoughts have constantly been a dark whirlpool these days. There is hardly any positivity to draw from that, only negative emotions and depression. Last term, despite having to work Monday and Wednesday nights, my classes started late on Tuesday/Thursday, so I was able to sleep in a bit and rest in alternate days. However, I must get up early everyday for classes, which means no sleep. I inhale coffee, caffeine and energy drinks like I'm some sort of drug addict. I suppose in many ways I am. I can barley function with coffee...let alone without. If there was some form of caffeine I could inject with a needle, I probably would.
My work has started scheduling less people each shift, which means that the people who do get scheduled have to stay for longer. I'm so drained when I ARRIVE at work...by the time I leave I'm a walking zombie. I cannot do anything about it though, because I cannot under any circumstances lose my job.
I don't have the energy to go work out or go to hot yoga. I'm depressed and bitchy towards my friend who is ACTUALLY making the effort to go to yoga and become more fit. I know I shouldn't act that way towards her, I think I'm just personally jealous that my life is falling to pieces and I can't seem to do anything about it.
I'm super irritable, and my parents don't do anything to help. As I come home today, exhausted both mentally and physically, my dad comes down the stairs in the dark, take ONE LOOK at me and comment in a really nasty way "omg you are so fat now. What happened, you look so bloated and big---" and I just flipped shit on him. I was holding a fucking sweater..that was black..that blended into my winter jacket. I was so pissed I could've thrown the water in my hand at his face. Why do you guys always pick my weakest moments to come pick at my scars.
I hate how I have to fucking photoshop my pictures for them to look good. I hate how I cannot get a guy to like me. I'm a naturally shy and introverted girl....most guys these days like outgoing and humorous girls who on top of all of that, is tall and slim. I'm a fucking pig..how can I expect any of them to look at me and think I'm pretty. I know I'm a 19 year old who has never had a boyfriend. I'm fucking pathetic. The only guys who ask me out are creepy 30 year olds at the bus loop at night. My friend signed me up for some dating show hosted by some club at our school. It is a parody of a popular Chinese dating reality show at the moment. I do not want to go. Who the fuck would pick me as the girl they like.....I do not want to stand up there for 3 hours and be humiliated.
I know she means well........but how can someone who is so pretty, outgoing and popular understand how I feel...
fuck...I should really get back akastart studying.
