I only post to rant

I don't fucking know what I'm doing right now> i Should be memorizing Katakana for my Japanese quiz like crazy tmw because I don't know ANY katakana....don't even have every single Hiragana character memorized yet. I'm going to cry.

I'm so tired these days, ever since term 2 started at UBC. I barely get any sleep at night...5-6 hours at MAX. The only days I can rest a bit longer are Saturday and Sunday, and even then I have to be wary of my mother throwing a hissy fit if she finds me in bed late.

I feel so drained, like there's nothing left to look forward to. My thoughts have constantly been a dark whirlpool these days. There is hardly any positivity to draw from that, only negative emotions and depression. Last term, despite having to work Monday and Wednesday nights, my classes started late on Tuesday/Thursday, so I was able to sleep in a bit and rest in alternate days. However, I must get up early everyday for classes, which means no sleep. I inhale coffee, caffeine and energy drinks like I'm some sort of drug addict. I suppose in many ways I am. I can barley function with coffee...let alone without. If there was some form of caffeine I could inject with a needle, I probably would.

My work has started scheduling less people each shift, which means that the people who do get scheduled have to stay for longer. I'm so drained when I ARRIVE at work...by the time I leave I'm a walking zombie. I cannot do anything about it though, because I cannot under any circumstances lose my job.

I don't have the energy to go work out or go to hot yoga. I'm depressed and bitchy towards my friend who is ACTUALLY making the effort to go to yoga and become more fit. I know I shouldn't act that way towards her, I think I'm just personally jealous that my life is falling to pieces and I can't seem to do anything about it.

I'm super irritable, and my parents don't do anything to help. As I come home today, exhausted both mentally and physically, my dad comes down the stairs in the dark, take ONE LOOK at me and comment in a really nasty way "omg you are so fat now. What happened, you look so bloated and big---" and I just flipped shit on him. I was holding a fucking sweater..that was black..that blended into my winter jacket. I was so pissed I could've thrown the water in my hand at his face. Why do you guys always pick my weakest moments to come pick at my scars.

I hate how I have to fucking photoshop my pictures for them to look good. I hate how I cannot get a guy to like me. I'm a naturally shy and introverted girl....most guys these days like outgoing and humorous girls who on top of all of that, is tall and slim. I'm a fucking pig..how can I expect any of them to look at me and think I'm pretty. I know I'm a 19 year old who has never had a boyfriend. I'm fucking pathetic. The only guys who ask me out are creepy 30 year olds at the bus loop at night. My friend signed me up for some dating show hosted by some club at our school. It is a parody of a popular Chinese dating reality show at the moment. I do not want to go. Who the fuck would pick me as the girl they like.....I do not want to stand up there for 3 hours and be humiliated.
I know she means well........but how can someone who is so pretty, outgoing and popular understand how I feel...


fuck...I should really get back akastart studying.

Yes I'm a Jealous Hater.

I ADMIT IT OKAY...I AM A JEALOUS JEALOUS HATER. HMPH.


I'm not going to deny it, I hate girls who can wake up looking beautiful, are motivated and driven for their futures, do not feel depressed and hate themselves when they see their own reflection in the mirror, and manage to have a great relationship with everyone around them.

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR ARGHHHHHH.

okay yah you can argue, my pathetic excuse for grades are because I have zero motivation and I'm a lazy fuck. I TOTALLY deserve what I'm getting. I get it. I'm jealous of everyone who did not develop shitty study habits in their youth and can focus for long periods of time on a single subject. I'm jealous of those naturally smart girls who can pick up things the teacher says...therefore not needing to cram so hard the night before the exam. My genes are just not up to par.... nor are my habits.

If you look at it that way, I'm just too lazy to take care of my physical appearance. Look at this fat and lubby body. yah I could go jogging everyday and eat salads ...but when I'm depressed about school and shit I just want to eat okay. Comfort food ftw.

Which then results in the freshman 15....30...60.

Why am I not one of those girls who love sports and RUNS for god's sake when they're stressed. Why am I not one of those girls who have crazy fast metabolisms and eats all they want but are still as skinny as a stick. Born with naturally long legs, MODEL like height, and double eyelids.

They don't have to waste time working out or worrying everyday their taped double eyelids will suddenly become single in front of everyone. They can just wake up looking like a kpop idol everyday.


and those naturally social girls who do not suffer from social anxiety like me. Those girls who come from supportive and awesome families...those girls who are rich enough to not have to sweat about every little purchase. Girls who have boyfriends who become fiances and then husbands.

 GIRLS WHO LOOK LIKE DOLLS WHEN THEY COSPLAY. GIRLS WHO CAN WEAR THE CUTEST CLOTHES AND TOTALLY FIT THE IMAGE. GIRLS WHO CAN FLIP THEIR HAIR AND WEAR LEOPARD PRINT AND LOOK GODDAMN SEXY DOING IT. GIRLS WHO ARE ELEGANT AND POISED AND SUCCESSFUL. PHOTOGENIC GIRLS. ARTISTIC GIRLS. GIRLS WHO CAN DANCE WITHOUT TWO LEFT FEET. GIRLS WHO CAN SING. GIRLS WHO CAN BE WITTY AND CUTE AND SMART AT THE SAME TIME. GIRLS WHO CAN RIDE HORSES EVERYDAY AND STILL LOOK GLAM. GIRLS WHO ARE PATIENT AND LOVING WITH EVERYONE........I can go on forever.


WHYYYYYYYY.  mebbe they were saints or something in a past life. Maybe I'm just surrounded by Mother Theresa and Gandhi. Well...nothing I can do about that. I bet I was a criminal in my past life, probably somebody hunted down and executed at the guillotine by the French revolutionists. And at this rate...I'm going to just turn into a cockroach in my next life.


okay okay I'll just stop complaining and go back to studying for my biology final. Studying brings out the ugly side in me.

filter my skin to death.

I can read Vogue Paris?

When doing a project for French class, I found myself on the site of Vogue Paris (in my defense it was for the project and not simply to fuel my shallow needs). To my surprise and utter delight, I can somewhat half ass understand the content. Awesome, turns out spending half my life in elementary chanting the days of the week in French with a teacher who knew nothing of the language herself paid off....somewhat.

On the other hand it is rather exciting. New resource of procrastination!